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The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Expanded Third Edition: How to recognize it and how to respond, by Patricia Evans

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About the Author

Patricia Evans is the bestselling author of four books, including The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out, Controlling People, and The Verbally Abusive Man: Can He Change? A highly acclaimed interpersonal communications specialist, public speaker, and consultant, Evans has appeared on Oprah, CNN, CBS News, Fox News, She Knows, and on numerous national radio programs. Her work has been featured in Shape, Newsweek, and O, The Oprah Magazine. Evans lives in the San Francisco Bay Area and can be reached via her website at VerbalAbuse.com.

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Product details

Paperback: 240 pages

Publisher: Adams Media; Third edition (January 18, 2010)

Language: English

ISBN-10: 9781440504631

ISBN-13: 978-1440504631

ASIN: 1440504636

Product Dimensions:

5 x 0.7 x 8 inches

Shipping Weight: 10.4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)

Average Customer Review:

4.5 out of 5 stars

1,145 customer reviews

Amazon Best Sellers Rank:

#10,595 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

This book helped me immensely! My partner was described exactly in this book. He did and said every controlling behaviour, even used the exactly the same words used as described. Patricia's book was so helpful that it made me realise that 'I didn't create it, I didn't cause it, and I can't fix it'. Oh, I tried to fix it, over and over and over, exactly as described a partner would do living in these conditions. My mental health deteriorated exactly as described in this book. After reading this book, I just knew that I had to leave. I knew the verbal abuse was going to get worse and worse. I was so scared for my mental and physical health especially after being on the receiving end of a month-long episode of all the different types of verbal abuse as described. It's all about power and control, and anyone who stays in this type of relationship will never get any of their needs met. They don't want you to have ANY needs, wants or desires. I read this book in a few days, while I was organising how to leave. I was so afraid, almost paralysed, I lost 2kg, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I could barely think. I was dry-reaching every morning. It was so hard making decisions. I was in such a state of anxiety and anguish caused by his verbal abuse and body language. My adult daughter suggested that I go to a Dr to get some Valium, which I only took for 2 days. This allowed me to calm down enough and make arrangements to get my car transported to another state, get my personal possessions shipped, organise a plane flight and an airport transfer, all in a week. I dared not rely on him helping me in any way, shape or form. I needed to get myself, my car and my personal stuff out of here intact, as soon as possible. I've leaving all my furniture behind. A price I was willing to pay, just to get myself and my mental and physical health and wellbeing out in one piece, in tatters, but not completely destroyed, by a man that claims he loves me, but really just loves the power and control he tried to enforce on me so much more. I have PSTD and I just assumed it was caused by a previous abusive relationship. Now I realise that I would never have gotten better in this relationship. He only made it worse. I leave in three days. Thankfully, he's leaving me alone, giving me the silent treatment. I am invisible, a part of the furniture, not a real, live human being with my own thoughts, feelings, emotions, ideas, opinions, dreams and hopes for the future. I wasn't allowed to express these, as he saw them as a threat. I wasnt even allowed to cry and I wanted to cry all the time. I still can't believe how badly he treated me and all the nasty, mean things that he said to me. Of course, no one knows and everyone thinks he's a kind, caring, considerate man, who'd do anything for anybody, only not for me. He'll make out he is the victim for putting up with me and he'll extract as much pity and sympathy as possible from others. They'll never know that he was the long-time perpetrator of verbal and emotional abuse. This book gave me back my power and control over my life. It gave me the validation that I desperately needed and it gave me back myself. It's been a lifesaver. I'm getting out of this abusive relationship entirely due to the insight I gained from this book. I can't recommend this book highly enough. I've nearly finished reading Patricia Evens' other book, 'Controlling People' and I believe that both books contain all the information one needs, to finally understand the undestandable nature of domestic abuse in all its many forms, why it won't get better, why it will only get worse and why you need to get out now. Wish me well on beginning a new chapter of my life. Free from abuse and hopefully full of fun and real love from people that truly do care about my happiness.

Several weeks before leaving my abusive husband after 42 years of marriage, I read "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. I noted many passages that clearly described the abusive tactics he was using on me.The information, however, was just so irrefutable, so undeniably true, it was far too painful for me to fully realize and assimilate at the time.Sixteen months after leaving him, I picked the book off the closet shelf and re-read it, this time noticing many more abusive characteristics of his and experiences I went through in the past. Numerous passages were boldly marked this time, and many more notes were made. Virtually every page held so many similarities to what I had been experiencing in this abusive relationship.After decades of being unaware of this type of abuse, I finally arrived at the realization that he was indeed extremely verbally abusive during our marriage. This was a tremendous revelation to me, as I had unconsciously hidden and "forgotten" even the physical assault that occurred early in the marriage. Before we married, however, he was attentive and I thought he loved me as I loved him.I thought that verbal abuse was mainly name calling and hurling outright insults. My to be ex husband did not often call me names and obvious insults were rather rare, although he did call me stupid and crazy a few times. Yes, he did beat me severely early in our marriage, but he was mainly a covert abuser. His methods were insidious and had me feel that I was to blame for just about everything that went wrong.He would often criticize men and women on TV, their physical faults, mouth too large, crooked nose, too fat, too thin, etc. He was particularly critical of confident women broadcasters, and would be very insulting of them. I finally stood up to him and let him know that he was being very cruel. In hindsight I realize I felt more protective of other people than myself.One of the most painful and damaging aspects of his abusive ways was his obvious delight in seeing my hurt responses to his insidiously cruel remarks... the smirk, the laugh, the hate-filled look. As time went on, I learned to hide my feelings and to refrain from reasoning or arguing with him. I could never "win" anyway. It hurts to realize that the one who promised to love and cherish you didn't really care for you.He seemed to get a lot of pleasure in seeing me suffer physically as well. It was a freezing cold day and I went out to the garage to bring in an item from the car. I somehow locked myself out of the house. I was dressed only in my indoor clothing, and frantically knocked on the doors and windows for him to let me inside. I was becoming very cold, and being in my 60's, was concerned that I would quickly become hypothermic. He did not answer my cries. I went in side the car, but it wasn't any warmer, as I didn't have the keys to start it. I was too embarrassed to ask for help from a neighbour. Finally after about 30 minutes or so and repeated knocks and cries he answered the door. He said he didn't hear me earlier. He appeared very unconcerned about me and the whole incident. I just let it go as I knew better than to argue with him...he would just yell irrational insults at me. I just couldn't handle his insults any longer.Shortly afterwards, when our son and his wife and children were visiting, he recounted his story, about my locking myself out of the house. He made me sound stupid. I was hurt, and quietly remarked that I became very cold and wondered when he would answer the door.Before we married, I happily looked forward to being his wife. I was a loving and attentive wife to him, and was faithful to him throughout our marriage, working very hard in raising our children, cooking good nutritious meals and maintaining the home and businesses we owned. He basically ignored our children, even though I tried to speak with him, telling him that they would be harmed by his emotional distance. He did not care to listen and brushed me off.Almost all of my efforts seemed to be wasted on him. This happens very often in abusive relationships...the abuser is never really satisfied. He would criticize and downgrade me often, and I began to feel worthless. I had no self-esteem as a result.Like so many abusers, he was very polite and good-mannered to others. Family, business associates, friends at church... they were completely oblivious to his abusive ways. He had developed a charming persona that he could control at will, that he could switch on and off like a light bulb, and he especially liked to play up this persona in church. He had a dark and angry side that he did not display to others.For brief periods over that long marriage I went to several counsellors for "depression" but I didn't mention my husband's abuse, so the counsellors were not able to help me. This shows how blinded I was to his abuse. I descended ever more deeply into the abyss of despair and self-blame. Several years ago, I finally mentioned his physical abuse to a new counsellor. At the time I had not yet acknowledged his verbal and emotional abuse. The counsellor suggested I close my eyes and pretend I was on a beach somewhere with my abusive husband. I didn't retain that counsellor for long, either.The author mentions the description of the Covert Abuser as "also being angry and hostile. However, they don't express anger in the pattern of the anger addict... they may be more inclined to develop long-range plans to control and manipulate their partners." How terribly true this was in my case.The author also describes Denial as being "one of the most insidious categories of verbal abuse because it denies the reality of the partner." Again, completely true in my experience and I could not agree more.In the months leading to the separation, he would become angry and ask why I married him. I would reply because I loved him very much. He would sneer and make a denigrating sound. This, I felt, was his covert way of turning around the usual "Why did I marry you" remark. I didn't ask him the same question. I was afraid of his response.Another illustration of his type of abuse: Several years ago, he and I were having lunch at a restaurant. There was no argument involved, either beforehand or at the time (as if that should matter). I started choking on food stuck in my throat. He was sitting next to me, and made absolutely no effort to help me. He simply sat there while I was desperately trying to cough up the food, feeling I would die. Finally I managed to do so with no help from him.After arriving home, I calmly asked him why he didn't help me. He muttered something like "I dunno," and appeared completely unconcerned about this incident. I felt he hated me so much that he wished I would die.In the months before leaving, I had tried to talk with him, asking him to offer a heartfelt apology and seek help. He would become very angry and would refuse, blaming me instead."The Verbally Abusive Relationship" helped me to become aware of verbal abuse and the damage that it causes in terms of destroying self-esteem, spiritual, emotional and physical health. The perpetrator of abuse ravages the soul, crushes the spirit and can ultimately murder the partner that is held in the abuser's grip. I highly recommend this book to anyone who is going through abuse and as a warning to others.This book will provide valuable and enlightening information to anyone who wants to become more informed about the tactics of the abuser.

Any woman who has ever been in a relationship with a man who is not supportive of the fact that she is a completely different person than he is NEEDS this book. This book changed my life and my beliefs on what kind of man I want in my life. If you are in a relationship where you are walking on eggshells, you don't really have a say in anything, your partner has to "approve" anything you do, you are always apologizing, YOU LIVE IN FEAR OF WHAT HE WILL THINK AND HAVE TO ASK PERMISSION, PLEASE BUY THIS BOOK!!! This book is not about physical abuse, but the subtle emotional abuse which can actually be WORSE!If your partner makes you feel "less than", BUY THIS BOOK!!

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